Monty Python Story One: The Python
by AdorableEric
Summary: My first Monty Python fanfiction! If you enjoy reading this half as much as I enjoyed typing it, I still enjoyed it twice as much as you!
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

**Disclaimer: I don't own Monty's Python or anything else that has to do with it.**

**Its man is seen on the moon. He runs up and yells, "Its!" and then starts drifting away. Some really ridiculous opening animated sequence plays all the while every now and then cutting to the Python gang sitting on a couch in someone's TV room and yawning.**

Michael: [to Terry Gilliam] you were supposed to make the beginning titles funny, not boringly long!

**The really ridiculous opening animated sequence ends with John sitting at a table.**

John: Its-

**Cuts to Its man**

Its man: That's my line!

John: I wasn't finished!

Its man: Oh, sorry.

John: Its time for something completely different!

**Cuts to Terry Jones dressed as a Viking.**

Viking: The line is actually: And now for something completely different.

John: [sarcastically] sorry

Viking: you should be

**Eric dressed in a tutu and a tiara that completely covers his eyes skips into shot, holding a magic wand.**

Eric: [in falsetto] it was sarcasm… [flirty face, giggling] you silly person!

Viking: rawr!

Eric: [normal voice] no…that's not funny

**Police officer walks in.**

PO (Graham): What's all this then, what's all this then? Break it up you fairies.

Viking: I'm not a fairy, I'm a Viking.

**Police officer makes like he is about to punch the Viking in the face.**

PO: F'tang f'tang!

Eric: [normal voice] this has gotten too silly! [drops wand and vanishes in a puff of smoke]

PO: Silly is silly is silly! [to camera] get on with it!

Viking: Aw, I was just beginning to enjoy that sketch.

**Cuts to the Knights Who Say Ni!**

The Leader of the Knights Who Say Ni: We say ni to you today in hopes that you might make a very charitable donation to our cause

Random Knight: Ni!

The Leader of the Knights Who Say Ni: Shut up.

Random Knight: Sorry

The Leader of the Knights Who Say Ni: Good. Anyhoodle, our cause is about making it easier for any knight that says anything, be it ni, ping, neee whom, ikki-ikki-ikki-ikki-f'tang-zoop-boing-smblawsmeggle or any other death-causing words. Er- make it easier for any knight who…does that, easier for any knight- er- to make it easier for them to get a shrubbery that is not too expensive and looks very nice from anyone. So every £ counts.

Random Knight: Wow

**Cuts to Luigi Vercotti.**

Vercotti: I really hate people that chop victims into bits and send those bits back to the families of the victims every hour on the hour. I mean, yeah, I do it, but for good reason. I mean, blimey, those victims owe me lotsa money and sometimes they tried to do that to me first. So I gotta set a precedent, right? Otherwise everyone would try it. Plus, all the people that I do that to already got it coming to 'em, right? They owe me money so if I don't kill them, then I don't get any reward.

Interviewer (John): But by killing them you don't get money right?

Vercotti: [offended] Look, I don't tell you how to run your business so don't tell me how to run mine.

**Cuts to Eric and Michael dressed as a tiger, Eric in the front half, Michael in the back half.**

Eric: A leg? No no no, what is a leg anyway? Well we don't have one! I mean, I got two and he's got two and together including the one we hid in the brush back there, we got five in total.

Michael: Yeah, only five. And the one back there belongs to my auntie, you know, the silly woman lost one leg already, we gotta keep this one in the brush and away from her so she don't lose it or nothing. You know what they say, "Lose a leg and then have your nephew and his lover watch over it."

Eric: I'm not your lover!

Michael: But you said you'd be my Valentine!

Eric: Yeah, as a joke. Besides, I already got a Valentine.

Michael: You replaced me?

Eric: No, I never had you as a Valentine.

Michael: [runs away crying] boo hooo!

Eric: Uh…I better go stop him from committing tigercide. You know, the suicide for guys that dress up as the back end of tigers? [hurries off]

**Cuts to Viking in the back end of a tiger suit, standing at the edge of a grassy cliff.**

Viking: I'm going to end it all!

Eric: [runs up in top of tiger suit] don't end it all!

Viking: [overjoyed] Bonnie, you do care!

Eric: [confused] Bonnie? No, I'm Eric.

Viking: Oh, from the last sketch?

Eric: Yeah. Say, have you seen any guys named Michael dressed as the back end of tigers that are crying incorrigibly?

Viking: Well I saw a herd of them moving in that direction [points to his left]

Eric: Oh…a herd of them?

Viking: Nah, I'm kidding, I just said that because it was in the script. So this is the same guy from the last sketch?

Eric: Yeah him!

Viking: [pointing right]

Eric: [hurrying off]

**Cuts to a fancy restaurant flashback. Viking and John (Bonnie) are there.**

Jones: Oh Bonnie, you do care!

Bonnie: [fem voice] of course I do, darling! [both giggle]

**Cuts to the Police Station with the Police Officer there, Eric in the top half of a tiger suit and Terry Gilliam in a cape and purple underwear standing next to him.**

PO: I don't support this kind of silly gayness on this programme.

Eric: [whispering to Gilliam] what did he say?

Gilliam: [whispering back] He doesn't want any gayness on the program but he spelled program wrong.

Eric: He spelled a word he spoke wrong, but how…? Ugh, never mind. So give an example of the gayness he doesn't want.

Gilliam: LIKE THIS! [leaps at the Chapman-Police-Officer guy and starts making out with him]

Eric: [close up] oh…my…God…uh…

**Eric starts whispering to someone off camera, is handed a script, flips through pages and then hands the script back off camera. Meanwhile Gilliam and Chapman are rolling around on the floor.**

Eric: [slightly confused face] If I could walk that way I wouldn't have expected the Spanish Inquisition.

**Cardinals Ximinez, Fang and Biggles of the Spanish Inquisition run into the Police Station.**

Ximinez: Nobody ever…uh…[to someone off camera] what was the last bit? [gets handed a script, starts reading aloud] Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Eric: [very confused face] what's my line? [leans over, starts reading script over Ximinez's shoulder] Nobody ever expects- wait no that's your line- oh uh here it is; [without emotion] Wow, I-sure-didn't-expect-you-three-Pope-fanatics. What-are-you-doing-in-Notlob…er Bolton?

Ximinez: Ah, screw it [throws script away] it's improve time!

Eric: [excited face] Goodie!

Ximinez: [pulls out microphone and puts it in Eric's face, talks gently] What's your name?

Eric (Eric): [acting like a kid] Eric

Ximinez: Would you like to have a sixteen-ton weight dropped on top of you, Eric?

Eric: Don't know.

**Brief stock shot of theater audience applauding. Back to Police Station.**

Ximinez: And what do you want to be when you grow up, Eric?

Eric: Anything except an actor.

Ximinez: [laughs, to camera] oh kids, aren't they just adorable?

**Cuts to Dennis Moore as he rides through the night, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor! Dennis Moore! Dennis Moore! Dennis Moore!**

DM: [sees Viking on the side of the road, stops his horse] Stand and deliver your lupines.

Viking: Oh no, it's Dennis Moore!

DM: Of course it's me, didn't you just here my theme song playing?

Viking: Well…oh yeah.

DM: Give me your lupines!

Viking: Didn't we do this already?

DM: Uh…yeah I just said it.

Viking: And I already stood and delivered my lupines!

DM: Oh…well in that case I suppose I must leave. [rides off]

Viking: [laughs] Haha what a silly person!

**Cuts to a pretty countryside field. The top-halved-tiger-suited-Eric is seen running across the field. At the edge of the field we see a hay bale which the bottom-halved-tiger-suited-Michael is seen standing on.**

Eric: Michael! Michael, don't jump!

Michael: Bonnie, you do care!

Eric: [still running and panting] who *huff* is *huff* Bonnie?

Michael: Oh dear I was looking at the wrong page of the script. [pulls out script, flips through it] Uh, here it is; oh Eric, I'm glad that you came. I know that you don't love me, I was only joking.

Eric: [getting to hay bale, stopping and looking up at Michael] Then get the hell off of the (bleep)ing hay bale! That thing is like two feet off the ground!

Michael: So?

Eric: It's dangerous! Innit?

Michael: [childishly sulky] I guess.

Eric: Get down from there then!

Michael: [still sulky] fine [starts to get down and almost makes it when he falls over onto the ground, not very far, but he still dies]

Eric: [kneeling next to the fallen Michael, looking ridiculously funny in the tiger outfit.] NOOOOO!

**Cuts to Police Officer, who has finally gotten the caped and purple underweared Gilliam off of him. Gilliam is on the ground.**

PO: Now that that is over, we can finally turn you over to the studio!

**Cuts to Eric in the studio, dressed in a black suit with a yellow tie.**

Eric: this episode got pretty ridiculous! But next one is gonna be better. [quiet for a few seconds and then…] nah, I lied, it's going to be pretty much more of the same. Please, please, please review for the author! She'll love you forever! And the same goes for dogs. So next time you're on vacation and you see something amiss, don't hesitate to call the police.

**Credits roll and then screen shows in white words over a black background:**

**We'd like to thank:**

• **The Spanish Biggles Spiny 'Snapper' Organs 'Two Sheds' Jackson Norman**

• **Mr. Nudge**

• **Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm**

• **Arthur**

• **Fang**

• **The Blancmanges**

• **Graham Chapman**

• **Terry Gilliam**

• **Terry Jones**

• **Eric Idle**

• **John Cleese**

• **and Michael Palin**

**For not suing me. Thanks guys!**

**Review beotches!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Llamas

**Disclaimer: I don't own Monty Python's Flying Circuses or anything else that has to do with it. Damn, too bad. Since I write Monty Python I still consider myself a Python, or at the very least a Pythonite.**

**It's Man is shown at an airport, looking confused by all the people, luggage, loudspeaker announcements and just the 21****st**** century in general. Slowly turns to camera.**

It's Man: WTF? It's…

Announcer (John): Will Michael Ellis please go to the information desk?

**Chris Quinn stumbles into shot.**

Chris Quinn (Eric): [cupping one hand, holding ant in it, exited] What?

Announcer: Repeat, terminal 32B is now open for all flights going to Burma and Judea.

Chris Quinn: [sad] Aw.

Announcer: It is also now Chris Quinn week!

Chris Quinn: [getting exited again] What?

It's Man: [taps Chris on shoulder, Chris looks at him] Go away, it's my part. [pushes Chris out of shot quite rudely, Chris just looks bewildered and accidentally drops his ant]

Chris Quinn: Marcus! Marcus!

**Opening sequence. Cuts to police station.**

Police Officer (still Graham): I've had it up to here [indicates top of head] with these crazy, pansy, lupine-loving, larch-hugging, albatross-yelling, two-shed-owning, tiger-suit-wearing morons that try to replicate the sheer beauty that my friends and I strived to create uniquely in the early 70's. All they are doing is making it up and trying to have it pass off as their own. And even with the disclaimers they still say that the characters aren't theirs but the story is? We are real people, not characters, and if you're sitting at your computer reading this rant like, "Haha Graham Chapman isn't even alive anymore!" Well then you've got another thing coming to ya!

**Viking and Napoleon are brought, handcuffed, into the police station by another police officer.**

Police Officer: That'll learn 'em!

**AdorableEric walks into shot**

AdorableEric: Hey, I am one of those people that writes stories for Monty Python and you aren't getting all pissed at me!

Police Officer: …quite agree, quite agree! [turns to other police officer] handcuff this writer on suspicion of being a looney and using a shield as an offensive weapon etcetera.

AdorableEric: What? [starts to get handcuffed] but wait, I didn't do anything! [getting lead away] but this is MY story! [out of shot] this is quite odd isn't it?

**Cuts to Obama (USA's president)**

Obama: Hi…I'm Obama.

**Cuts to Bonnie and Viking at the fancy restaurant from last chapter.**

Bonnie: [somberly] and that's why we can't be together. I know this is hard for you, it's hard for me too, but I really believe this to be the best course of action in this situation.

Viking: Alright. I…I think I may understand. But I wanted you to know that I've just lost the Game.

Bonnie: [confused] just now?

Viking: yeah, when you were just talking I was just kind of tuning it out and thinking about the Game.

Bonnie: But why weren't you listening to me?

Viking: I figured it wasn't nearly as important.

Bonnie: See, this is why I'm breaking up with you! Because you don't listen to me!

Viking: I was listening!

Bonnie: No you weren't! You were thinking about the bloody Game! I can't stand another minute of this damn Game!

Viking: But you can't avoid it, you're already playing!

Bonnie: Not anymore! [pulls out gun] This is for my own good! [shoots self, Viking stares uncomprehending at Bonnie's lifeless body]

Waiter (Eric): [walks up to table] so sorry to keep you waiting, it's just I noticed that this other table had a dirty fork and I was forced to stab myself in the belly with it. But this is certainly no time to burden you with the details of my recovery as I notice that you appear to have just lost a dear one. I apologize most sincerely.

Viking: Why, did you know her?

Bonnie: [whispering] him

Viking: Why, did you know him?

Waiter: Why no sir, I don't think I did.

Viking: Well it doesn't matter now, does it? He's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! He's pushing up the daisies and he's bought the farm.

Bonnie: I'm not dead!

Waiter: Hold on, he says he's not dead.

Viking: He's dead I tell you!

Waiter: Be more respectful, he can hear you, you know. Let's just say that he has temporarily passed on.

Viking: Passed on or putrefying, cadaverous or inanimate, it doesn't matter what you call it because he's still spiritless!

AdorableEric: [runs into shot] I came up with that last line!

Waiter: Well that's a very clever thing to come up with for such a silly character. Could you come up with something interesting for me to say?

**Police officers enter**.

Police Officer: [points at AdorableEric] GET HER!

AdorableEric: [to waiter] for another skit?

Waiter: yeah alright, but I'll only say it if it's at least 5 times better than the rubbish that our other Fanfiction writers come up with.

AdorableEric: [running out of shot with Police Officers on heels] yeah, yeah, will do!

**Cuts to Michael Palin dressed up as a Middle Ages peasant. Subtitle says: A Middle Ages pheasant.**

Palin: That's peasant, not pheasant!

**Subtitle: A Middle Ages Pleasant.**

Palin: Peasant!

**Subtitle: Present?**

Palin: Peasant!

**Subtitle: President?**

Palin: Peasant!

**Subtitle: This is getting out of hand.**

Palin: I agree.

**Subtitle: A Middle Ages Peasant.**

Palin: That's better.

**Black screen.**

Voice Over (Palin): Oh bugger.

**Credits:**

**Graham Chapman**

**(a llama)**

**John Cleese**

**(A different but very flighty llama)**

**(If you saw the last few Circus episodes you know what I mean)**

**Eric Idle**

**(A lemming, but also a dentist)**

**Michael Palin**

**(A lemming, but an optometrist)**

**Terry Jones**

**(A llama optimist)**

**(And colonoscopy doctor)**

**Terry Gilliam**

**(A llama animator who happens to be attracted to lemming dentists)**

**(Watch out Eric!)**


	3. Chapter 3: The Lemming

**AdorableEric: I don't own Lemming of the BDA but I sure as hell want to! *Scottish accent* He's deed seexay. (Go watch Austin Powers and it'll make sense)**

**It's man is lying atop John the Announcer's desk while John goes about his business per usual.**

It's Man: It's

John: [looks up] Time for

Voice Over Gumby (Michael): Moonteeee Pithin's

**Cuts to AdorableEric.**

AdorableEric: Flying

**Cuts to Alligator.**

Alligator: Circus

**Cuts back to It's Man and John.**

Voice Over Gumby: es

**Opening sequence. Cuts to Lemming of the BDA poster. Lemming theme song plays.**

Jones (Terry Jones duh): It's another episode of Brian, er, Arthur, er, Biggles, er, Lemming…of the BDA!

**Cuts to average high school classroom. Kids are pretending to learn all the while not really paying attention and occasionally looking at their crotches and smiling. At their phones you pervert!**

"Teacher" (Tobacconist) (Lemming) (in disguise) (duh): Ok class, why are you looking at your crotches? [kids titter and are quiet again] C'mon guys, stop texting.

Heckling Student (Michael): What are you talking about? We don't have phones.

"Teacher": [strides over to nearest student and pulls their cellular telephonic device out of their hands] what do you call this? All of you are texting!

Bully (Graham) (The Big Cheese) (in disguise) (hmm): Flopsy isn't! [pauses a moment as he realizes he just sort of gave himself away] Oh f*ck it! [pulls off disguise] I got you now teacher-tobacconist-Lemming-in disguise-duh person! I've got you! And the best part is I have a hostage! [pulls out Flopsy, aims gun at head. Lemming just stares at him blankly. The Big Cheese realizes, drops Flopsy and then grabs a student. This student happens to be _Adorable Eric_. All the other students flee from the class.]

AdorableEric: What is it with me always appearing in my own sketches? Like FTW right or am I right or am I right? Sha-zam! [holds up hand to get high five from Big Cheese. Silence] oooo-kaaaay then? This is awk isn't it? [Lowers hand]

The Big Cheese: To get this girl, tell me the location of the fillings!

AdorableEric: DON'T TELL HIM, LEMMING! IF YOU DO YOU WONT BE MY HERO ANYMORE!

Lemming: [pulls off disguise] yes I suppose you did get me Big Cheese. Fine, I'll tell you.

AdorableEric: Anyone want to fill the newly vacated position of being my hero?

The Big Cheese: Where are they, Lemming?

AdorableEric: Anyone?

Lemming: 2017

AdorableEric: Don't do it Lemming!

Lemming: Goldenrod Drive.

The Big Cheese: Yes!

Lemming: Eureka, California.

AdorableEric: [sobbing] no!

The Big Cheese: And?

Lemming: In America.

AdorableEric: Beotch!

The Big Cheese: Yes [drops AdorableEric to the floor] so long! [runs out of the room]

Lemming: [runs to AdorableEric] are you alright?

AdorableEric: Why the hell would I be alright? You just told him where the fillings are!

Lemming: Not really. I just made up that address.

AdorableEric: Really?

Lemming: Yeah.

AdorableEric: Awesome!

The Big Cheese: [runs back in] I heard that!

Lemming: Damn and blast! But you don't have the writer under your control anymore so you don't have any leverage.

The Big Cheese: Damn you Lemming! We shall meet again! Fate necessitates it! [runs out again]

AdorableEric: That was freakin' awesome!

Lemming: Yes it was. Now I need to go. [stands and heads for the door]

AdorableEric: Will we meet again? [Lemming stops with hand on door handle. Turns around slowly]

Lemming: Fate necessitates it. [leaves]

AdorableEric: Sweet!

**End credits.**

**Hi, I'm AdorableEric. I would really appreciate it if you reviewed. It's the nice thing to do. Kaythanxbai.**


	4. Chapter 4: The Plates

**I noticed I've been typing super-short chapters lately. So what? I can do whatever I want! I also noticed that they've been considerably lacking in a story. So here goes.**

**Disclaimer: I'm so f*cking tired of disclaimers! I DO own the Pythons and all the cool stuff they thought of…in my mind. In reality I don't.**

**I'd like to thank (in advance) people who will read this and decide to review. Just do it!**

**It's Man is shopping at a plate store. He looks at camera, says it's and the camera slowly pans away to John, who is also shopping for plates. Michael, a guy who works at the store, goes over to assist him.**

Assistant (Michael): Hello sir, would you like help finding anything?

John: No I'm quite fine thanks [starts to walk away, Michael steps in front of him]

Assistant: Are you sure?

John: [tries to get around him but Michael steps in front of him] No, I'm alright.

Assistant: Are you absolutely sure?

John: Positive. [finally gets around Michael, starts to walk away]

Assistant: I'm sorry if I bothered you sir.

John: Not at all.

Assistant: Then you wouldn't mind if I helped then?

John: [sighs] Fine.

Assistant: Alright sir, what kind of plate were you looking for today?

John: Oh just your average inexpensive plate.

Assistant: [snatches up a random plate] how about this one?

John: How much is it?

Assistant: [to another assistant] oh hey, Verity?

Verity (Eric): [off screen] yes?

Assistant: How much is this plate?

Verity: Oh, lets see, about $50?

John: What?

Assistant: Oh so sorry, Mr. Verity gives figures 10 times to high.

John: So it's only $5?

Assistant: Yes.

John: It doesn't look very sturdy though.

Assistant: But it is! Vary stu-stu-sturdy sir!

John: Alright. Why are we talking in dollars though?

Verity: [enters] that's because the poor confused writer AdorableEric just doesn't know the pounds system.

**Here I pause for you to begin planning out your review. Let me help you start it: "You don't know the dollars to pounds conversion? You miserable twit! I have gardeners who are more economically minded than you! You're a douche bag!" and so on. Good luck with that!**

John: Oh that's sad. I have gardeners who are more economically minded than that!

**See, you'll be in good company.**

Verity: Oh give her a chance! This is only the first skit of the episode!

John: Oh alright. But only for you, darling.

**To add a bit of fluff for those of you that like that sort of thing.**

Assistant: Alright then, sir, this plate is awfully sturdy!

John: What is it with you and the supposed sturdiness of the plates?

**Music starts to play as all of the assistants enter and line up in a line. They begin to dance and sing.**

All Assistants: Oh how we love!

Our plates so sturdy!

And fine!

So much better!

Than the other plate companies!

All you say is price!

And is this dishwasher-safe?

And sometimes, "Oh the plates here aren't made right, not like they're made at home oh no I prefer it back there at least you get good customer service and real people and not computers that want to take over the world."

Yeah!

But we actually want our plates to be strong!

[camp voices] And sturdy!

And butch!

And tough!

And oh so muscularly masculine! [here they break into giggles]

**Opening sequence. Cuts to the outside of an average home in a random town named Wainscoting.**

Woman (Eric): [runs out of house, yelling] They just mentioned us on the internet! [runs back inside]

**Cuts to sitting room of previously mentioned house. Woman walks in, out of breath, and sits down at the computer again.**

Man (Graham): What are you doing, woman?

Woman: Just reading some Monty Python fan fictions.

Man: Forget that rubbish! Why aren't you in the damn kitchen making me a friggin' quesadilla?

Woman: Why? Is it because I'm a woman?

Man: No…because you're Woman, who is apparently a character.

Woman: What an odd character name.

Man: Just be thankful that it's not Womyn with a _Y_.

Woman: Oh yes indeed, I am thankful to have man in my name because that way I always have a man inside me. [goes into kitchen to make the "friggin' quesadilla". Son comes out dressed in a schoolboy outfit]

Son (Michael): Hello Man.

Man: Hello Son.

Woman: [from kitchen] Good day, Son!

Son: Good day Woman!

Man: Don't you ever call your mother by her first name again!

Son: Sorry Mother.

Man: Father, I'm father.

Son: Sorry father but I was just apologizing to Mother, not you

Man: Were you being impertinent, Son?

Son: [crying, trying to suppress it] no Father, I was just saying [starts to break down] suh-suh-sorry to Muh-Mother. [bawling] I didn't mean it. [Son's friend enters, also dressed in school uniform]

Friend (Eric): [to Son] Oh uh, hey Son, I'm just gonna go cuz my mum prolly wants me home soon okay? Uh, I'll leave you to it then. Er, good luck. [turns and starts to leave]

Man: What did you just say?

Friend: Uh, good luck?

Man: And what the hell's that supposed to mean? Eh? Well, out with it!

Friend: Er, no reason.

Man: Oh that's good. Hey Friend, how 'bout you sit down? I'm sure your daddy wont mind! [Friend noticeably cringes at the mention of his father and sits down, cross-legged, next to Son]

Man: So, what time do you need to leave?

Friend: Anytime is good. But my mum will be expecting me back for tea.

Man: Tea! Yes, it's about teatime now. I'll let you get on with soon enough. So how do you know my son?

Friend: We go to school together.

Man: Oh really. So why do you go to that school, then? I heard it was only for kids with only one or no parents. I got my kid in by faking my death. Isn't that right Son? [pats Son on back, Son winces]

Friend: Oh, well my father was killed in an unfortunate hitch-hiking accident on Christmas Eve several years ago. Things haven't been the same since. I miss him a lot.

Man: That's only natural. Heck, if I died for real, just dropped dead as a doornail, I'd hope my family mourned my passing for as long as humanly possible. Actually, I'd hope that they never forget the tragic day and be horribly scarred for the rest of their lives because of it. I'd hope that they'd develop psychological problems and never, ever move on. I know that doesn't even sound remotely arrogant, but you'd be surprised.

Friend: [leans to Son's ear, whispers in sing-song voice] narcissist!

Man: What did you say?

Friend: [frightened] Nothing, sir!

Man: [calming down] oh alright. [Woman enters with "friggin' quesadilla"] What the hell is this, Woman?

Woman: It's your "friggin' quesadilla"

Man: I will not stand for impertinence in this household. I will slap you!

Woman: Riiiight.

Man: I'm sorry I said that, old beast.

Woman: It's quite alright, fat bastard.

.Friend: Your family is weird.

Son: Tell me about it.

**A letter read by John Cleese:**

**Dear Sir or Miss (hopefully Sir) who is in charge of the BBC,**

**I cannot believe that you put this filth on the telly! Seriously? Why do you promote slapping? I sure as heck don't! And you shouldn't either. Sorry, gotta go, my son just came home with a bad report card. I'm gonna go have a little "chat" with him.**

**Sincerely,**

**Sir or Miss (hopefully Sir) Nibblybiscutbottom.**

**A letter read by Eric Idle in a little kid voice:**

**Deer Mister,**

**I thinck thats not funey. Its not rait to slap pepul. I onse slappd a kid for being meen to me an I got in truble. I thinck that th dad in that last sketsh mite get in truble. Dont say I didnt worn yoo.**

**Sinserly,**

**Michael Ellis.**

**PS: I wont to see mor big bottoms on the programme. Thancks.**

**Another letter but this time read by Terry Jones:**

**Dear Sirs,**

**I want to complain about the last letter's grammar. It was incorrigible. If you don't know what that means, look it up you pansy!**

**Kiss kiss,**

**Sir Elton**

**PS: I agree with the last letter's postscript though.**

**Another letter but this one is read by AdorableEric:**

**Dear Pythons,**

**I'm sorry for fudging up all your hard work.**

**Sorry,**

**Adorable**

**PS: If you find a time machine, tell me. I want to hang out with you guys, but from the early 70s.**

**Cuts to It's Man**

It's Man: It's

**Cuts to Gumby.**

Gumby: Time…for…

**Cuts to John the Announcer.**

John: The end of the programme.

**End credits.**

**Please review.**

**Check out the sequel!  
**


End file.
